i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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