her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
