IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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