Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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