The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
