just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
