I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
