its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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