Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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