I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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