dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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