All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
