You're so nebulous sometimes
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
