We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
