I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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