Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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