New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
