Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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