I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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