Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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