I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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