i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize