I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
