my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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