I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
