Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
