so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
