I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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