I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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