you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
