I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
