I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
