my phone needs a breathalizer
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
