Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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