Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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