Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
