how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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