Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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