Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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