I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Randomize
