i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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