What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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