The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize