Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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