seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
