i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
