Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
you inspire me to be a worse person
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
