So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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