theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
