I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
