I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
