The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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