Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
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