Your dad touched me again.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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