FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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