Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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