i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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