i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
