I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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