Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
