i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
