had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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